you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
