you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
