Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
