I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
