i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
