who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
