You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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