i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
