babies were throwing up all over the place
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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