Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
