I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
