Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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