Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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