I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
