the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I checked into jail on foursquare
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
