Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
