we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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