Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
