can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
It's like God shit irony all over that family
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
