The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
