if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
