new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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