I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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