Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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