Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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