i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
