He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
