You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
