I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
