Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
