So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
