So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I could make wine with my vomit
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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