The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
