I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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