If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
