I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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