you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
