Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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