You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
