awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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