BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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