I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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