she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
