I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
