i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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