I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
