I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
