happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
