where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
