I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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