11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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