He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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