Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I want a musical about memes.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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